The Spiritual Practice of Higher Consciousness                             385

your outer and inner existence. It has transformed my life and that of many others with whom I have shared these insights.

      In the end, we cannot escape responsibility for our lives. We are creators whether we like it or not, whether we believe it or not. Ignorance and failure to consciously practice discipline of thought, word, and action provides no escape from their consequences. Because we are responsible, we might as well choose what we want. So try it, you will only gain happiness and success — quite a payoff for something that only requires a little effort and discipline!

Establishing Inner Communication — How I met Me

      More than twenty years ago, I became aware of an inner something that was part of me, if not entirely me. I marveled at how it reminded me each morning of things I had forgotten. This inner guidance was with me long before I came to Eckankar, even though Eckankar tried to persuade me that its Mahanta was doing all this for me. This never sat well. Every religion that teaches followers to credit a savior or master usurps the power of God-soul. My grandfather, the Episcopal priest, always encouraged me to give thanks to the Jesus. Somehow, I was always left holding the bag when it came to the bad stuff. This never sat well either.

      When I came to Eckankar, I had a problem with the master concept. It didn’t feel right. I put aside the conflict by focusing on the power of spirit. After witnessing one of Eckankar’s tumultuous successions, I felt vindicated. And with the results of my research for this book, it was clear that my higher self had protected me from the grave mistake of looking to another person as the symbol of the God-principle in my life. Besides, the inner direction I had received, long before coming to Eckankar, was the same “still small voice.” It had not changed.

      I realized I should establish inner communication with this something, rather than place my trust in a person or image whatever his title or appearance. I had to distinguish between my outer-self and this inner something. I needed a symbol, an identity, for this part of me. My earthly name was too closely identified with my outer life and personality. It evoked no identification with my higher self, which remained a stranger without a name.

      Selecting a new name was like new parents naming a newborn. Unlike the parents search, mine took almost three years. At times, I thought it was stupid: Who was I to take on another name? Only masters had inner names, I thought. But the idea continued to intrigue me; it continued to make sense. I was always carrying on an inner dialogue, like an implacable tennis player chastising himself over his obdurate body. Anyway, “we” didn’t always agree. In fact, we disagreed most of the time, at least at first. The pleasure side, represented by the demands of my body, usually won out. I would park myself in front of the TV or indulge in a special delicacy. One half of me was happy, while the other half was disappointed. There was always a war raging.

      The physical side was clever to say the least, though its agenda was quite simple. It wanted pleasure and sought, at all cost, to avoid pain or anything that came close to it. Of course this simple formula was also the key to its management — a finding that Pavlov had amply demonstrated. I began to study its ways and how it would take over the apparatus of the mind. My inner self was always gentle, never screaming its wants, only suggesting, always gently. But my body was loud and demanding. It would flash pictures and feelings on the screen of my mind that would takeover whatever I was thinking or doing. If it
wanted pizza, it demanded pizza.

      Finally, I settled on a name for my inner self and held a small ceremony at which I introduced me to me. The inner name I received was TANJI. It was a strange meeting, but it held great personal significance. In fact, I found that using TANJI as a mantra worked quite well in moving me beyond the body consciousness. I had the feeling that someone was indeed “watching my back.” I felt more at ease with surrender, which is an essential part of the unfolding to higher consciousness. I found it comforting to know that in all situations this higher self (I), was far more capable than my little self, ego (i), that is, the personality identified with my legal name.

      In time, I was more successful in resolving disputes between my competing impulses. Through regular inner dialogue, peace broke out. It was clear that my physical self was not equipped to lead — and “it” knew it. It went along with the inner direction as long as it wasn’t too harsh. Clearly, there were at least two different parts of me that had to be reconciled. This was essential if I was ever to realize what I came into this life to accomplish — though that was not yet clear. In due course, I developed a deeper understanding of this complex vehicle I had been given for this incarnation.

      During my earliest years in Eckankar, when I first began speaking before audiences, I would write outlines for the talks. At that time, I didn’t know about the higher self and felt the pangs of anxiety that most new speakers experience. I felt nervous and tense, depending on my notes — a characteristic of the little self. In time, I stopped preparing outwardly at all. I had read and reread the essential books. Certainly, some wisdom had seeped through during this lifetime. It was in there somewhere, I simply had to learn how to get at it — or was it letting the wisdom get to me? Besides, wasn’t I suppose to be omniscient as soul? Why not let it do the work? These were the early hints that I could align myself with a higher force and rise above the trepidation associated with speaking.

      I allowed the topic to move through my consciousness. I developed a feeling about what I would say and an inner picture of the result or feeling I wanted to have after a talk. When time for the presentation arrived, I often walked onto the stage completely blank! It was quite thrilling, much as I imagine jumping out of an airplane would be. I enjoyed the feeling because it was truly living on the razor’s edge. It required complete trust and surrender. I knew that the moment I began to speak, this higher self, now known to me by name, would take over. I simply had to learn to let go and get the “i” out of the way.

Source — Confessions of a God Seeker: A Journey to Higher Consciousness